I'M BACK AND ON FIRE!!!!

Let me just say that Thursday night at Shine Conference with Jentzen Franklin was overdue! We need to hear the anointed Word proclaimed.

I want to share with you through some of my personal journey.

As many of you know the last 8 months have been tough for me, my family and extended families.

I'm always growing and learning but I have to admit I have hit some spiritual dry spots and my faith has been tested this year.

There have been days where I have not wanted to wake up and face life. I have felt like a failure and asked God why. I still don't have the answers but today I received an anointing that has not been on me ever before. Through this I feel I cannot hold back from sharing with you this morning.

I am going to give you the shortest version possible of the events in my life that have brought me to this very place. So hang in there because I take you up to date. I have to do this for the people who don't know my story.

1. I was brought up in a Christian home-no home is perfect/as in my own parenting I don't always practice what I preach.

2. At the age of 9 I asked God if He really was there and if He was would He show me-He answered my prayers, I made a public confession and faith and was baptised.

3. He began growing in me at that age a passion for people. I loved my little group of friends, we studied Bible together. My cousin and I would talk for hours about Jesus and people and how we could make a difference. She always kept me in line. We talked about the families we would have one day and the things we would accomplish. I guess we married and had kids, neither one of us achieved our original dreams and my dream today is different than what it was then. But God was growing in me the ability to dream and grow, experience fellowship with a fellow sister.

4. The enemy recognized the call on my life and began to attack by the age of 11 I had drifted away from my upbringing, smoked my first cigarette. By the age of 12 I had smoked marijuana, got drunk and began to lean toward alcohol and drugs for a relief. Never became an addict but the potential was definately there. I now smoked a pack of menthol's a day and lost my virginity. A darkness came over my life which caused me to be depressed and suicidal. I attempted to take my life by swallowing a bottle of pills that I was taking to control my rapid heartbeat. But God had a different plan and after having my stomach pumped I survived. I hated my life, I hated everyone. I had already had multiple sex partners. This is the point where some of you will think I am sharing too much of my life with you.

This point where I tell you to GET OVER IT you have been brainwashed and are under a spirit of deception. Read your Bible who did God use? Sinners. No sin is greater than another it is all sin to God. We can't judge on our own standards, we have to judge ourselves by His.
Darkness is in the church. Stop hiding it, lets take care of it.
If I am not honest about what a I screw up I am or have been how I am going to reach anyone?
How can we? We may try, but if we have not got this figured out in our heart we will be the one who sits in church Sunday after Sunday, acts like a fool during the week (not even opening up the Word) and then tries to carry the power of God? What? God hears the prayer of the who? Been there done that, don't want to do it again!

Go ahead and serve yourself to death. What are your motives? Guilt? Can't say no? Stop whining, you don't want to teach the class, quit quenching the Spirit in the church. We need annointed leaders in the places God has called them to in their own areas of gifting. Enough of this fill in the spot mess.

Dear Lord I'm about to preach where was I?

5. I had been home schooled, Christian School, but I had returned to public school in 7th grade which was a nightmare. Teenagers/Teachers say and do things that can scar a person for their entire life if they let it. I started believing what people said about me and at this point I had no idea I had any defense against them. So I just gave up and became the person my peers said I was. The words of one of my teachers echoed over and over. I felt worthless. I felt my reputation was ruined so I should go ahead and finish it off. There was no hope for me.

6. I guess I had spurts of Jesus during this time where He was trying to pull me back in. But I walked away because I had let so much darkness in my life.

7. By age 13 I had been with more older teenage boys and I began a dangerous cycle of relationships, feeling devalued, worthless, incapable, and unloved. I hated the attention, I was seeking love. Love that I had not yet discovered.

8. By age 14 I fell in love (again what I understood at the time as love) with a boy five years older than me. I hope you are able to see the pattern of darkness. I was pregnant but lost the baby. I was trying to deal with an adult life with a child's mind but at the time I felt older. I had no idea the scars I was leaving on my life. After I lost the baby we split up. The memory of him is still there. I don't know how else to explain it but because there was so much darkness in my life it effected my entire being. The way I comprehended and dealt with life, my actions and reactions.

9. At this point I knew something was wrong and I talked to God about it, but I did not surrender. I had a few experiences with drugs where I was unable to remember what I did. At one point a friend had given me LSD. I talked to my dad and told him I wanted to stay home and wanted to change. I was crying out for boundaries. Somebody help me, anybody, does anyone understand. My life had completely torn apart my family. We were once active in church but after this and the response we got from the church what was the use? Nobody was equipped to help. There is a problem in our churches people. A referral and book and a little short prayer is not going to do it. Only Jesus. Where is the power of Jesus in the church, what have we done with it?

10. I continued to demoralize myself. I got involved in another relationship and my daughter was the only good that came out of it. God began to move and if he had not restored motherhood in me I don't know where I would be honestly. I was so angry I had lost the baby before. I put down the cigarettes, the drugs, the alcohol. But there was so much trash I didn't even know where to begin to clean up. I asked for forgiveness and I told the Lord if He would just walk me through this I would spend the rest of my life living only for Him. I wish I could say I did.
I was married at 15 and divorced at 16. Most teenage girls celebrate their sweet 16. My birthday was far from sweet. The only thing sweet about it was holding my baby girl knowing there was a reason to press on. I have a picture of that day me holding her feeding her a bottle and me blowing out the candles. Looking back that was a powerful time God was at work.
There were some people who stepped up to the plate and reached out a hand to me from our local churches. I had a baby shower I was given enough stuff to carry Ericka through the first 3 years of her life. I forgot to mention she was born two months premature and came out screaming with perfect lungs. They told me lots of things to be prepared for before she was born. But God had another plan. She was a miracle in more ways than one.

11. I still dealt with looks, people avoiding me, if looks could kill I would be dead. I forgot to mention I had to switch schools and temporarily quit school. I picked back up on smoking because I needed some kind of relief. I hated men, all I had seen was failure. My dad did not do away with me, he supported me the best he knew how. There were times when he said things that stayed with me. Things now I am remembering at this moment that I had forgotten about. Life was so tough then but God broke through.

12. I got my first real job. By 17 God had provided an apartment. I finished school. Because I made minimum wage I had to have rental assistance through section 8. There was a very long waiting list. But miraculously my name did not wait for months and months, I moved to to the top. I don't even know if the lady managing the complex could explain it.

13. This is where a change started to take place in my life. I sat there in my empty apartment that first night praising God. I have never praised God like that. But you will hear me say this a lot...the power is in praising the name of Jesus. I was on my knees with my hands lifted high just saying thank you Jesus. I knew it was a miracle. I can't explain what happened but I heard heaven that night. Angels singing the most beautiful music ever and every weight that had been on me was torn off and lifted. Pain was lifted and I felt weightless. I was back!

14. I'd like to tell you at this point I was completely healed and restored but there were many times when I slipped back into old patterns. I hadn't gotten over the past. But God had touched me, He had let me know in a physical way that He had His hand on me. Oh if I could take back the things I said and did. I was representing Christ but I had baggage, oh if I could take back my actions and erase those thoughts. It's done but it is not too late.

15. God brought people and things into my life to help me grow. Keep in mind I was not in a church at this time, this was all God teaching me. Would I have arrived here faster if I had connections with a church, may be so, doesn't matter, I'm here.
I could write a book with the details and the little miracles and events of my life but for the sake of time I have to continue.

16. I prayed for a car. I was dependant on my parents. My dad gave me their car and bought another one. I was promoted in my job. I guess I would have been a better witness if I had some accountability at this time. I screwed up with so many chances to help others. By 18 I was able to get a mobile home behind my parents and move back to my hometown. My mom had been my full time sitter since I was working.

17. God brought the man into my life I am now married to. That is another story. Okay short version He didn't believe in God. It wasn't until after we were married that He met Jesus. he hated church and church people. At this point I can't say I was that affectionate about them either. But I wanted God in my life and I pressed pass that and became a church person myself.

18. God began growing us together and we went through and are still going through a purifying process together. We lost a baby together, but God again blessed me with a son. That was almost 4 years ago. God is transforming our marriage and family.

19. I have to back up a bit. In 2005 I had been feeling a call on my life for a while and had been praying about it. I shared it with Ian and a close friend. An opportunity came available to serve as the church secretary. So that was my last real job. It was a great way a miracle in itself how God brought me to that position to grow. There are so many ways God worked in our lives at this time and I would love to share all of them, but for the sake of time I have to go on. It came time for that season to end.

This is where my latest breakthrough story begins. I had so many mixed emotions but God had other plans. It is my dream to be a stay at home mom, go to Southeastern University and complete my bachelors in Ministerial Leadership. I was on track for this goal.
In January my husband was laid off due to the economy and I was like okay God what are you saying? Did I make the wrong decision, should I have stuck it out longer at the church. Am I totally off base with the track I thought we were on. I began to question everything.
Then one thing after another began to happen. Ian's aunt passed away, then his mom, the an aunt and uncle on my side and tragically my childhood best friend and sister and her baby were killed in an accident. Remember the first part of this blog when I was kid on fire for God, the girl I sorta referred to as "my evangelist partner," that was her. Talk about heartbreak. I still cry at night remembering our times together. I can't even go to a funeral right now I am still hurting so bad from this.

It's only May and the last few months have been crazy. But again I don't have time to tell you every little detail or miracle, but God had other plans!

20. Finally, oh cool I ended on 20! Anyway this brings me to today where God is working in my life. As you can see this has not been an overnight process and it is still going on. I am still working to get the finances to pay for college by working a home business. My husband is still on the job hunt. God has been growing us to move forward. And now is finally the time. The peace is there, the fear has been numbed.

I was kind of avoiding Shine because I knew it might possibly make me own up to some things. But I pressed pass that and I registered. I vowed never to be in a women's group because we can be such mean people. But I have pressed through that and connected with a wonderful group of ladies. What's neat is God is bringing ladies in my life from all walks of life not just from Celebration and I have been able to share with them and pray for them. You see you don't have to be perfect to answer the call on your life. If you are waiting to arrive, I got news for you, you just arrived at today. While all this going on God is taking care of my business and I am nearing a record.

I heard Lisa Young speak and the things she said about marriage and family pierced my heart. I really wanted to go to the leadership break out session but I knew the one about family and relationships is where I needed the most work. So I pressed through and what a blessing.
Last night we had a speaker that brought a message that helped me break through the final chain. So I can't say what I am going to do tomorrow but I hope it is better than what I did yesterday and if I do something stupid in the process please forgive me.

I need to write a page on what he talked about. I literally felt the presence of God strong, like I did when I was 16. I prayed with the ladies next to me and believe it or not I found out my neighbor sitting next to me had the same first and middle name as mine. Go figure.

Anyway there is not an ounce of doubt left as to where God wants me. I know He is going to restore some relationships in my life and bring about good things. I actually went to bed early about 10:30 last night. I'm at the hotel.
I woke up wide awake at 2:30 and I knew I would not be going back to sleep. I had a clear message from God. He said You are worth it to me. You do not have anything to prove to the world except my son Jesus Christ and Him crucified in you. Forget all your worries! Except when I was jotting this down I wrote forgot instead of forget and forgot is past tense.

I'm moving past my guilt and shame, my hypocrisy, my religious deadness, my anger, my temptation and claiming my place in Jesus.

I will never be able to prove anything to anyone. It's irrelevant.

I'm not hiding in a corner, I'm preaching loud and louder than before. I may teach too but I'm going to Preach and Proclaim the Word of God. I'm going to get off my self pity and do some footwork for Jesus.
I know what's ahead but Jesus is on my side! And if He is for me who can be against me? I know some of you will and that's fine by me I don't answer to you.
I have to be obedient to the things God has called me to do. I'm starting today and look out because I'M BACK!!!
Be a woman or a man that in the morning when your feet hit the floor the devils says uh oh she/he is back up again.

Today I am dreaming big of being AUTHENTIC!

(copy and paste the links below)
I close with Break Free by Hillsong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgWpjE_kdE
and an awesome clip that I relate to, how Jesus pulls us to himself.
Lifehouse Everything http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA

You are all I want, all I need, everything Jesus!