Do you have a dream, has God placed something special in your heart, a special calling on your life?
Today my family and I toured downtown Atlanta to learn more about Martin Luther King Jr. and his life as well as many other leaders in the civil rights movement. My daughter is home schooled and studied Georgia History and a special section on the history of the Civil Rights. It is not a fun thing to learn about the suffering of others. So many died for the cost of freedom today. It is so hard to absorb the evil and hatred displayed by so many. It was the way they were raised. They were deceived thinking since they were such good people (some naming the name of Christ) yet showing such hatred to others. What an eye opener. Made me take a look at myself today. How am I or am I not showing love?
I don't know about your family but my family when in tight quarters, lost on the road on a half country road trip with a teenager and a preschooler; things can get out of hand really fast. Add on top of that a mama who has an injured foot during that time of the month and a jobless dad. The dumbest things can try and get us off track. What happens to the love?
We visited several places in Atlanta and stayed with family, our poor family. One of the places we visited was Stone Mountain. What a beautiful place. God makes such awesome things. I became so involved in the beauty of the earth that I dropped to my knees also tearing my ankle to pieces and coming face to face with beautiful granite. Let me first say I had come to a complete stop before taking a one foot drop and was very aware of the drop and even stepping carefully I still lost my footing and suffered a very painful injury.
I was embarrassed, carried away by men on stretcher, hauled upside down to the bottom of the mountain in the back of a police expedition rescue truck. My husband and I had to leave my cousin-in-law with our 2 kids and her 2 babies to walk to the end of the mountain alone. Meanwhile a cable taxi at the top of the mountain safely carried a group of people to the bottom.
We could of been in that group but we chose to take a risk. We wanted to save some money but ended up spending over triple what it would have cost for the whole family to ride down safely. We had to see a doctor and pay for x-rays. We lost valuable time and caused a series of stress for our fellow family.
Not to mention the trip there should have taken 6 hours but actually took closer to 10. We left the sippy cup and still had to make several "I gotta go potty" stops. By day 4 in Atlanta my husband just lost it. I lost it and I thought "okay and I have another 10 days with these people, lets just turn around and go home."
Now this, this is the topper. Following my inspirational journey through Martin Luther's life of love. We were traveling down his old neighborhood trying to find his home so we could take a picture. Unfortunately a local commuter was brainlessly traveling through the historic district when they were in a hurry and we were in their way!
So they were beeping the horn continuasly and rearing at our car. As we approached the busy traffic signal I reached over while my husband was driving the car and honked the horn back at the other driver for him. I also proceeded to yell and wave out the window "Love you too, that's the spirit, pass the legacy of love on you mean person you!" Then my preschooler continued to repeat everything I said word for word over and over as I steamed listening to the double echo. My husband said that was great, sarcastically, as if he had never said anything out of anger. I began to justify myself in self defense. "Do we get mad when people stop to see alligators on swamp drive, NO, we drive around them!"
So I never know when God is going to show up, but He did today and in a big way compliments of my stupidity.
The moral of this true story, don't get so caught up in the learning that you forget about the doing. The knowledge of love is one thing but the expression of it is another.-Heather Vecera
And now I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes of MLK Jr.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Life's most persistent and urgent question is, 'What are you doing for others?'
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Pity may represent little more than the impersonal concern which prompts the mailing of a check, but true sympathy is the personal concern which demands the giving of one's soul.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But... the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
The time is always right to do what is right.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
We will have to repent in this generation not merely for the vitriolic words and actions of the bad people, but for the appalling silence of the good people.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
We will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
AND a 1:16 prophetic speech the day before he was killed. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o0FiCxZKuv8
I close with an awesome music video by U2-Pride with scenes of Martin Luther King Jr.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56mjwycKuXA
I know this is not my typical scripture and worship blog, but today what will you do in the name LOVE, in the name of Jesus Christ, the Greatest Love of All?
Dreaming Big of Freedom to Love today!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Then John gave this testimony: "I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him. I would not have known him, except that the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, 'The man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is he who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.' I have seen and I testify that this is the Son of God." John 1:32-34
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 19:20
I don't have much of anything tonight or this morning at 2 am. Just a simple illustration.
I don't know this to be true but I would imagine if someone were having a heart attack, a near death experience their flesh would fight against the spirit to continue to live. A heaviness of their body might come over them, they feel they can no longer hold on and as they go to take a last breath, suddenly the spirit kicks in and brings the body back to life. The heart that was minutes ago slowly pumping, pausing between beats is now pumping blood so rapidly through the body putting life into every part.
I believe it's like the Holy Spirit when He takes over our dead bodies and brings them to life. At one point He sets before us life or death and gives us the freedom to choose. Our flesh fights against the Spirit but when we let go and die we are baptized in Him and filled with new life.
The life we lived before is no longer, our minds are renewed, we begin to have a heart for the things of God and the material and superficial things of this world have less meaning to us than before. As we go deeper with God, like the heart pumping back to life we are filled in every part of our life. God is no longer to us some distant genie, He is our Savior, our Creator, our Redeemer and every breath we take is now for His glory.
You can experience God and know Him personally. There is more to this life than just knowing you are on your way to heaven. He baptizes with the Holy Spirit, empowers you to live the life He has called you to live.
When you attempt to live the good life on your own by doing good works or witholding from sin in your own power, all of it is useless. But when God is the driving force behind a transformation in your life, He gets the glory not us. He cares about our hearts. I pretended for so long and then one day I experienced the healing power of Jesus Christ. My whole life and thoughts changed. Do I still wrestle with the flesh, every day. But there is life here again where once there was death.
Lord help us to choose life everyday in everything. God empty us of ourselves and fill us with Your Holy Fire. Amen
I close with Jeremy Camp Empty me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zl85EU33jgo&feature=related
Dreaming Big of Life today!
This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Deuteronomy 19:20
I don't have much of anything tonight or this morning at 2 am. Just a simple illustration.
I don't know this to be true but I would imagine if someone were having a heart attack, a near death experience their flesh would fight against the spirit to continue to live. A heaviness of their body might come over them, they feel they can no longer hold on and as they go to take a last breath, suddenly the spirit kicks in and brings the body back to life. The heart that was minutes ago slowly pumping, pausing between beats is now pumping blood so rapidly through the body putting life into every part.
I believe it's like the Holy Spirit when He takes over our dead bodies and brings them to life. At one point He sets before us life or death and gives us the freedom to choose. Our flesh fights against the Spirit but when we let go and die we are baptized in Him and filled with new life.
The life we lived before is no longer, our minds are renewed, we begin to have a heart for the things of God and the material and superficial things of this world have less meaning to us than before. As we go deeper with God, like the heart pumping back to life we are filled in every part of our life. God is no longer to us some distant genie, He is our Savior, our Creator, our Redeemer and every breath we take is now for His glory.
You can experience God and know Him personally. There is more to this life than just knowing you are on your way to heaven. He baptizes with the Holy Spirit, empowers you to live the life He has called you to live.
When you attempt to live the good life on your own by doing good works or witholding from sin in your own power, all of it is useless. But when God is the driving force behind a transformation in your life, He gets the glory not us. He cares about our hearts. I pretended for so long and then one day I experienced the healing power of Jesus Christ. My whole life and thoughts changed. Do I still wrestle with the flesh, every day. But there is life here again where once there was death.
Lord help us to choose life everyday in everything. God empty us of ourselves and fill us with Your Holy Fire. Amen
I close with Jeremy Camp Empty me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zl85EU33jgo&feature=related
Dreaming Big of Life today!
Friday, May 14, 2010
I'M BACK AND ON FIRE!!!!
Let me just say that Thursday night at Shine Conference with Jentzen Franklin was overdue! We need to hear the anointed Word proclaimed.
I want to share with you through some of my personal journey.
As many of you know the last 8 months have been tough for me, my family and extended families.
I'm always growing and learning but I have to admit I have hit some spiritual dry spots and my faith has been tested this year.
There have been days where I have not wanted to wake up and face life. I have felt like a failure and asked God why. I still don't have the answers but today I received an anointing that has not been on me ever before. Through this I feel I cannot hold back from sharing with you this morning.
I am going to give you the shortest version possible of the events in my life that have brought me to this very place. So hang in there because I take you up to date. I have to do this for the people who don't know my story.
1. I was brought up in a Christian home-no home is perfect/as in my own parenting I don't always practice what I preach.
2. At the age of 9 I asked God if He really was there and if He was would He show me-He answered my prayers, I made a public confession and faith and was baptised.
3. He began growing in me at that age a passion for people. I loved my little group of friends, we studied Bible together. My cousin and I would talk for hours about Jesus and people and how we could make a difference. She always kept me in line. We talked about the families we would have one day and the things we would accomplish. I guess we married and had kids, neither one of us achieved our original dreams and my dream today is different than what it was then. But God was growing in me the ability to dream and grow, experience fellowship with a fellow sister.
4. The enemy recognized the call on my life and began to attack by the age of 11 I had drifted away from my upbringing, smoked my first cigarette. By the age of 12 I had smoked marijuana, got drunk and began to lean toward alcohol and drugs for a relief. Never became an addict but the potential was definately there. I now smoked a pack of menthol's a day and lost my virginity. A darkness came over my life which caused me to be depressed and suicidal. I attempted to take my life by swallowing a bottle of pills that I was taking to control my rapid heartbeat. But God had a different plan and after having my stomach pumped I survived. I hated my life, I hated everyone. I had already had multiple sex partners. This is the point where some of you will think I am sharing too much of my life with you.
This point where I tell you to GET OVER IT you have been brainwashed and are under a spirit of deception. Read your Bible who did God use? Sinners. No sin is greater than another it is all sin to God. We can't judge on our own standards, we have to judge ourselves by His.
Darkness is in the church. Stop hiding it, lets take care of it.
If I am not honest about what a I screw up I am or have been how I am going to reach anyone?
How can we? We may try, but if we have not got this figured out in our heart we will be the one who sits in church Sunday after Sunday, acts like a fool during the week (not even opening up the Word) and then tries to carry the power of God? What? God hears the prayer of the who? Been there done that, don't want to do it again!
Go ahead and serve yourself to death. What are your motives? Guilt? Can't say no? Stop whining, you don't want to teach the class, quit quenching the Spirit in the church. We need annointed leaders in the places God has called them to in their own areas of gifting. Enough of this fill in the spot mess.
Dear Lord I'm about to preach where was I?
5. I had been home schooled, Christian School, but I had returned to public school in 7th grade which was a nightmare. Teenagers/Teachers say and do things that can scar a person for their entire life if they let it. I started believing what people said about me and at this point I had no idea I had any defense against them. So I just gave up and became the person my peers said I was. The words of one of my teachers echoed over and over. I felt worthless. I felt my reputation was ruined so I should go ahead and finish it off. There was no hope for me.
6. I guess I had spurts of Jesus during this time where He was trying to pull me back in. But I walked away because I had let so much darkness in my life.
7. By age 13 I had been with more older teenage boys and I began a dangerous cycle of relationships, feeling devalued, worthless, incapable, and unloved. I hated the attention, I was seeking love. Love that I had not yet discovered.
8. By age 14 I fell in love (again what I understood at the time as love) with a boy five years older than me. I hope you are able to see the pattern of darkness. I was pregnant but lost the baby. I was trying to deal with an adult life with a child's mind but at the time I felt older. I had no idea the scars I was leaving on my life. After I lost the baby we split up. The memory of him is still there. I don't know how else to explain it but because there was so much darkness in my life it effected my entire being. The way I comprehended and dealt with life, my actions and reactions.
9. At this point I knew something was wrong and I talked to God about it, but I did not surrender. I had a few experiences with drugs where I was unable to remember what I did. At one point a friend had given me LSD. I talked to my dad and told him I wanted to stay home and wanted to change. I was crying out for boundaries. Somebody help me, anybody, does anyone understand. My life had completely torn apart my family. We were once active in church but after this and the response we got from the church what was the use? Nobody was equipped to help. There is a problem in our churches people. A referral and book and a little short prayer is not going to do it. Only Jesus. Where is the power of Jesus in the church, what have we done with it?
10. I continued to demoralize myself. I got involved in another relationship and my daughter was the only good that came out of it. God began to move and if he had not restored motherhood in me I don't know where I would be honestly. I was so angry I had lost the baby before. I put down the cigarettes, the drugs, the alcohol. But there was so much trash I didn't even know where to begin to clean up. I asked for forgiveness and I told the Lord if He would just walk me through this I would spend the rest of my life living only for Him. I wish I could say I did.
I was married at 15 and divorced at 16. Most teenage girls celebrate their sweet 16. My birthday was far from sweet. The only thing sweet about it was holding my baby girl knowing there was a reason to press on. I have a picture of that day me holding her feeding her a bottle and me blowing out the candles. Looking back that was a powerful time God was at work.
There were some people who stepped up to the plate and reached out a hand to me from our local churches. I had a baby shower I was given enough stuff to carry Ericka through the first 3 years of her life. I forgot to mention she was born two months premature and came out screaming with perfect lungs. They told me lots of things to be prepared for before she was born. But God had another plan. She was a miracle in more ways than one.
11. I still dealt with looks, people avoiding me, if looks could kill I would be dead. I forgot to mention I had to switch schools and temporarily quit school. I picked back up on smoking because I needed some kind of relief. I hated men, all I had seen was failure. My dad did not do away with me, he supported me the best he knew how. There were times when he said things that stayed with me. Things now I am remembering at this moment that I had forgotten about. Life was so tough then but God broke through.
12. I got my first real job. By 17 God had provided an apartment. I finished school. Because I made minimum wage I had to have rental assistance through section 8. There was a very long waiting list. But miraculously my name did not wait for months and months, I moved to to the top. I don't even know if the lady managing the complex could explain it.
13. This is where a change started to take place in my life. I sat there in my empty apartment that first night praising God. I have never praised God like that. But you will hear me say this a lot...the power is in praising the name of Jesus. I was on my knees with my hands lifted high just saying thank you Jesus. I knew it was a miracle. I can't explain what happened but I heard heaven that night. Angels singing the most beautiful music ever and every weight that had been on me was torn off and lifted. Pain was lifted and I felt weightless. I was back!
14. I'd like to tell you at this point I was completely healed and restored but there were many times when I slipped back into old patterns. I hadn't gotten over the past. But God had touched me, He had let me know in a physical way that He had His hand on me. Oh if I could take back the things I said and did. I was representing Christ but I had baggage, oh if I could take back my actions and erase those thoughts. It's done but it is not too late.
15. God brought people and things into my life to help me grow. Keep in mind I was not in a church at this time, this was all God teaching me. Would I have arrived here faster if I had connections with a church, may be so, doesn't matter, I'm here.
I could write a book with the details and the little miracles and events of my life but for the sake of time I have to continue.
16. I prayed for a car. I was dependant on my parents. My dad gave me their car and bought another one. I was promoted in my job. I guess I would have been a better witness if I had some accountability at this time. I screwed up with so many chances to help others. By 18 I was able to get a mobile home behind my parents and move back to my hometown. My mom had been my full time sitter since I was working.
17. God brought the man into my life I am now married to. That is another story. Okay short version He didn't believe in God. It wasn't until after we were married that He met Jesus. he hated church and church people. At this point I can't say I was that affectionate about them either. But I wanted God in my life and I pressed pass that and became a church person myself.
18. God began growing us together and we went through and are still going through a purifying process together. We lost a baby together, but God again blessed me with a son. That was almost 4 years ago. God is transforming our marriage and family.
19. I have to back up a bit. In 2005 I had been feeling a call on my life for a while and had been praying about it. I shared it with Ian and a close friend. An opportunity came available to serve as the church secretary. So that was my last real job. It was a great way a miracle in itself how God brought me to that position to grow. There are so many ways God worked in our lives at this time and I would love to share all of them, but for the sake of time I have to go on. It came time for that season to end.
This is where my latest breakthrough story begins. I had so many mixed emotions but God had other plans. It is my dream to be a stay at home mom, go to Southeastern University and complete my bachelors in Ministerial Leadership. I was on track for this goal.
In January my husband was laid off due to the economy and I was like okay God what are you saying? Did I make the wrong decision, should I have stuck it out longer at the church. Am I totally off base with the track I thought we were on. I began to question everything.
Then one thing after another began to happen. Ian's aunt passed away, then his mom, the an aunt and uncle on my side and tragically my childhood best friend and sister and her baby were killed in an accident. Remember the first part of this blog when I was kid on fire for God, the girl I sorta referred to as "my evangelist partner," that was her. Talk about heartbreak. I still cry at night remembering our times together. I can't even go to a funeral right now I am still hurting so bad from this.
It's only May and the last few months have been crazy. But again I don't have time to tell you every little detail or miracle, but God had other plans!
20. Finally, oh cool I ended on 20! Anyway this brings me to today where God is working in my life. As you can see this has not been an overnight process and it is still going on. I am still working to get the finances to pay for college by working a home business. My husband is still on the job hunt. God has been growing us to move forward. And now is finally the time. The peace is there, the fear has been numbed.
I was kind of avoiding Shine because I knew it might possibly make me own up to some things. But I pressed pass that and I registered. I vowed never to be in a women's group because we can be such mean people. But I have pressed through that and connected with a wonderful group of ladies. What's neat is God is bringing ladies in my life from all walks of life not just from Celebration and I have been able to share with them and pray for them. You see you don't have to be perfect to answer the call on your life. If you are waiting to arrive, I got news for you, you just arrived at today. While all this going on God is taking care of my business and I am nearing a record.
I heard Lisa Young speak and the things she said about marriage and family pierced my heart. I really wanted to go to the leadership break out session but I knew the one about family and relationships is where I needed the most work. So I pressed through and what a blessing.
Last night we had a speaker that brought a message that helped me break through the final chain. So I can't say what I am going to do tomorrow but I hope it is better than what I did yesterday and if I do something stupid in the process please forgive me.
I need to write a page on what he talked about. I literally felt the presence of God strong, like I did when I was 16. I prayed with the ladies next to me and believe it or not I found out my neighbor sitting next to me had the same first and middle name as mine. Go figure.
Anyway there is not an ounce of doubt left as to where God wants me. I know He is going to restore some relationships in my life and bring about good things. I actually went to bed early about 10:30 last night. I'm at the hotel.
I woke up wide awake at 2:30 and I knew I would not be going back to sleep. I had a clear message from God. He said You are worth it to me. You do not have anything to prove to the world except my son Jesus Christ and Him crucified in you. Forget all your worries! Except when I was jotting this down I wrote forgot instead of forget and forgot is past tense.
I'm moving past my guilt and shame, my hypocrisy, my religious deadness, my anger, my temptation and claiming my place in Jesus.
I will never be able to prove anything to anyone. It's irrelevant.
I'm not hiding in a corner, I'm preaching loud and louder than before. I may teach too but I'm going to Preach and Proclaim the Word of God. I'm going to get off my self pity and do some footwork for Jesus.
I know what's ahead but Jesus is on my side! And if He is for me who can be against me? I know some of you will and that's fine by me I don't answer to you.
I have to be obedient to the things God has called me to do. I'm starting today and look out because I'M BACK!!!
Be a woman or a man that in the morning when your feet hit the floor the devils says uh oh she/he is back up again.
Today I am dreaming big of being AUTHENTIC!
(copy and paste the links below)
I close with Break Free by Hillsong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgWpjE_kdE
and an awesome clip that I relate to, how Jesus pulls us to himself.
Lifehouse Everything http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
You are all I want, all I need, everything Jesus!
I want to share with you through some of my personal journey.
As many of you know the last 8 months have been tough for me, my family and extended families.
I'm always growing and learning but I have to admit I have hit some spiritual dry spots and my faith has been tested this year.
There have been days where I have not wanted to wake up and face life. I have felt like a failure and asked God why. I still don't have the answers but today I received an anointing that has not been on me ever before. Through this I feel I cannot hold back from sharing with you this morning.
I am going to give you the shortest version possible of the events in my life that have brought me to this very place. So hang in there because I take you up to date. I have to do this for the people who don't know my story.
1. I was brought up in a Christian home-no home is perfect/as in my own parenting I don't always practice what I preach.
2. At the age of 9 I asked God if He really was there and if He was would He show me-He answered my prayers, I made a public confession and faith and was baptised.
3. He began growing in me at that age a passion for people. I loved my little group of friends, we studied Bible together. My cousin and I would talk for hours about Jesus and people and how we could make a difference. She always kept me in line. We talked about the families we would have one day and the things we would accomplish. I guess we married and had kids, neither one of us achieved our original dreams and my dream today is different than what it was then. But God was growing in me the ability to dream and grow, experience fellowship with a fellow sister.
4. The enemy recognized the call on my life and began to attack by the age of 11 I had drifted away from my upbringing, smoked my first cigarette. By the age of 12 I had smoked marijuana, got drunk and began to lean toward alcohol and drugs for a relief. Never became an addict but the potential was definately there. I now smoked a pack of menthol's a day and lost my virginity. A darkness came over my life which caused me to be depressed and suicidal. I attempted to take my life by swallowing a bottle of pills that I was taking to control my rapid heartbeat. But God had a different plan and after having my stomach pumped I survived. I hated my life, I hated everyone. I had already had multiple sex partners. This is the point where some of you will think I am sharing too much of my life with you.
This point where I tell you to GET OVER IT you have been brainwashed and are under a spirit of deception. Read your Bible who did God use? Sinners. No sin is greater than another it is all sin to God. We can't judge on our own standards, we have to judge ourselves by His.
Darkness is in the church. Stop hiding it, lets take care of it.
If I am not honest about what a I screw up I am or have been how I am going to reach anyone?
How can we? We may try, but if we have not got this figured out in our heart we will be the one who sits in church Sunday after Sunday, acts like a fool during the week (not even opening up the Word) and then tries to carry the power of God? What? God hears the prayer of the who? Been there done that, don't want to do it again!
Go ahead and serve yourself to death. What are your motives? Guilt? Can't say no? Stop whining, you don't want to teach the class, quit quenching the Spirit in the church. We need annointed leaders in the places God has called them to in their own areas of gifting. Enough of this fill in the spot mess.
Dear Lord I'm about to preach where was I?
5. I had been home schooled, Christian School, but I had returned to public school in 7th grade which was a nightmare. Teenagers/Teachers say and do things that can scar a person for their entire life if they let it. I started believing what people said about me and at this point I had no idea I had any defense against them. So I just gave up and became the person my peers said I was. The words of one of my teachers echoed over and over. I felt worthless. I felt my reputation was ruined so I should go ahead and finish it off. There was no hope for me.
6. I guess I had spurts of Jesus during this time where He was trying to pull me back in. But I walked away because I had let so much darkness in my life.
7. By age 13 I had been with more older teenage boys and I began a dangerous cycle of relationships, feeling devalued, worthless, incapable, and unloved. I hated the attention, I was seeking love. Love that I had not yet discovered.
8. By age 14 I fell in love (again what I understood at the time as love) with a boy five years older than me. I hope you are able to see the pattern of darkness. I was pregnant but lost the baby. I was trying to deal with an adult life with a child's mind but at the time I felt older. I had no idea the scars I was leaving on my life. After I lost the baby we split up. The memory of him is still there. I don't know how else to explain it but because there was so much darkness in my life it effected my entire being. The way I comprehended and dealt with life, my actions and reactions.
9. At this point I knew something was wrong and I talked to God about it, but I did not surrender. I had a few experiences with drugs where I was unable to remember what I did. At one point a friend had given me LSD. I talked to my dad and told him I wanted to stay home and wanted to change. I was crying out for boundaries. Somebody help me, anybody, does anyone understand. My life had completely torn apart my family. We were once active in church but after this and the response we got from the church what was the use? Nobody was equipped to help. There is a problem in our churches people. A referral and book and a little short prayer is not going to do it. Only Jesus. Where is the power of Jesus in the church, what have we done with it?
10. I continued to demoralize myself. I got involved in another relationship and my daughter was the only good that came out of it. God began to move and if he had not restored motherhood in me I don't know where I would be honestly. I was so angry I had lost the baby before. I put down the cigarettes, the drugs, the alcohol. But there was so much trash I didn't even know where to begin to clean up. I asked for forgiveness and I told the Lord if He would just walk me through this I would spend the rest of my life living only for Him. I wish I could say I did.
I was married at 15 and divorced at 16. Most teenage girls celebrate their sweet 16. My birthday was far from sweet. The only thing sweet about it was holding my baby girl knowing there was a reason to press on. I have a picture of that day me holding her feeding her a bottle and me blowing out the candles. Looking back that was a powerful time God was at work.
There were some people who stepped up to the plate and reached out a hand to me from our local churches. I had a baby shower I was given enough stuff to carry Ericka through the first 3 years of her life. I forgot to mention she was born two months premature and came out screaming with perfect lungs. They told me lots of things to be prepared for before she was born. But God had another plan. She was a miracle in more ways than one.
11. I still dealt with looks, people avoiding me, if looks could kill I would be dead. I forgot to mention I had to switch schools and temporarily quit school. I picked back up on smoking because I needed some kind of relief. I hated men, all I had seen was failure. My dad did not do away with me, he supported me the best he knew how. There were times when he said things that stayed with me. Things now I am remembering at this moment that I had forgotten about. Life was so tough then but God broke through.
12. I got my first real job. By 17 God had provided an apartment. I finished school. Because I made minimum wage I had to have rental assistance through section 8. There was a very long waiting list. But miraculously my name did not wait for months and months, I moved to to the top. I don't even know if the lady managing the complex could explain it.
13. This is where a change started to take place in my life. I sat there in my empty apartment that first night praising God. I have never praised God like that. But you will hear me say this a lot...the power is in praising the name of Jesus. I was on my knees with my hands lifted high just saying thank you Jesus. I knew it was a miracle. I can't explain what happened but I heard heaven that night. Angels singing the most beautiful music ever and every weight that had been on me was torn off and lifted. Pain was lifted and I felt weightless. I was back!
14. I'd like to tell you at this point I was completely healed and restored but there were many times when I slipped back into old patterns. I hadn't gotten over the past. But God had touched me, He had let me know in a physical way that He had His hand on me. Oh if I could take back the things I said and did. I was representing Christ but I had baggage, oh if I could take back my actions and erase those thoughts. It's done but it is not too late.
15. God brought people and things into my life to help me grow. Keep in mind I was not in a church at this time, this was all God teaching me. Would I have arrived here faster if I had connections with a church, may be so, doesn't matter, I'm here.
I could write a book with the details and the little miracles and events of my life but for the sake of time I have to continue.
16. I prayed for a car. I was dependant on my parents. My dad gave me their car and bought another one. I was promoted in my job. I guess I would have been a better witness if I had some accountability at this time. I screwed up with so many chances to help others. By 18 I was able to get a mobile home behind my parents and move back to my hometown. My mom had been my full time sitter since I was working.
17. God brought the man into my life I am now married to. That is another story. Okay short version He didn't believe in God. It wasn't until after we were married that He met Jesus. he hated church and church people. At this point I can't say I was that affectionate about them either. But I wanted God in my life and I pressed pass that and became a church person myself.
18. God began growing us together and we went through and are still going through a purifying process together. We lost a baby together, but God again blessed me with a son. That was almost 4 years ago. God is transforming our marriage and family.
19. I have to back up a bit. In 2005 I had been feeling a call on my life for a while and had been praying about it. I shared it with Ian and a close friend. An opportunity came available to serve as the church secretary. So that was my last real job. It was a great way a miracle in itself how God brought me to that position to grow. There are so many ways God worked in our lives at this time and I would love to share all of them, but for the sake of time I have to go on. It came time for that season to end.
This is where my latest breakthrough story begins. I had so many mixed emotions but God had other plans. It is my dream to be a stay at home mom, go to Southeastern University and complete my bachelors in Ministerial Leadership. I was on track for this goal.
In January my husband was laid off due to the economy and I was like okay God what are you saying? Did I make the wrong decision, should I have stuck it out longer at the church. Am I totally off base with the track I thought we were on. I began to question everything.
Then one thing after another began to happen. Ian's aunt passed away, then his mom, the an aunt and uncle on my side and tragically my childhood best friend and sister and her baby were killed in an accident. Remember the first part of this blog when I was kid on fire for God, the girl I sorta referred to as "my evangelist partner," that was her. Talk about heartbreak. I still cry at night remembering our times together. I can't even go to a funeral right now I am still hurting so bad from this.
It's only May and the last few months have been crazy. But again I don't have time to tell you every little detail or miracle, but God had other plans!
20. Finally, oh cool I ended on 20! Anyway this brings me to today where God is working in my life. As you can see this has not been an overnight process and it is still going on. I am still working to get the finances to pay for college by working a home business. My husband is still on the job hunt. God has been growing us to move forward. And now is finally the time. The peace is there, the fear has been numbed.
I was kind of avoiding Shine because I knew it might possibly make me own up to some things. But I pressed pass that and I registered. I vowed never to be in a women's group because we can be such mean people. But I have pressed through that and connected with a wonderful group of ladies. What's neat is God is bringing ladies in my life from all walks of life not just from Celebration and I have been able to share with them and pray for them. You see you don't have to be perfect to answer the call on your life. If you are waiting to arrive, I got news for you, you just arrived at today. While all this going on God is taking care of my business and I am nearing a record.
I heard Lisa Young speak and the things she said about marriage and family pierced my heart. I really wanted to go to the leadership break out session but I knew the one about family and relationships is where I needed the most work. So I pressed through and what a blessing.
Last night we had a speaker that brought a message that helped me break through the final chain. So I can't say what I am going to do tomorrow but I hope it is better than what I did yesterday and if I do something stupid in the process please forgive me.
I need to write a page on what he talked about. I literally felt the presence of God strong, like I did when I was 16. I prayed with the ladies next to me and believe it or not I found out my neighbor sitting next to me had the same first and middle name as mine. Go figure.
Anyway there is not an ounce of doubt left as to where God wants me. I know He is going to restore some relationships in my life and bring about good things. I actually went to bed early about 10:30 last night. I'm at the hotel.
I woke up wide awake at 2:30 and I knew I would not be going back to sleep. I had a clear message from God. He said You are worth it to me. You do not have anything to prove to the world except my son Jesus Christ and Him crucified in you. Forget all your worries! Except when I was jotting this down I wrote forgot instead of forget and forgot is past tense.
I'm moving past my guilt and shame, my hypocrisy, my religious deadness, my anger, my temptation and claiming my place in Jesus.
I will never be able to prove anything to anyone. It's irrelevant.
I'm not hiding in a corner, I'm preaching loud and louder than before. I may teach too but I'm going to Preach and Proclaim the Word of God. I'm going to get off my self pity and do some footwork for Jesus.
I know what's ahead but Jesus is on my side! And if He is for me who can be against me? I know some of you will and that's fine by me I don't answer to you.
I have to be obedient to the things God has called me to do. I'm starting today and look out because I'M BACK!!!
Be a woman or a man that in the morning when your feet hit the floor the devils says uh oh she/he is back up again.
Today I am dreaming big of being AUTHENTIC!
(copy and paste the links below)
I close with Break Free by Hillsong http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FmgWpjE_kdE
and an awesome clip that I relate to, how Jesus pulls us to himself.
Lifehouse Everything http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cyheJ480LYA
You are all I want, all I need, everything Jesus!
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